Diaries of the Damned
by Hesquidor and Maria-kun
Summary: A new evil has come to the Imperial Capital, and now the Hanagumi must face a new foe. The conniving being is more powerful than a demon, and his entrancing ways are sickening. Can the Hanagumi defeat IT? Chapter 3 now up.
1. Chapter 1: D

_Author's Note: Hello! This is Hesquidor and Kazuar. We've gotten violently sick of the Mary Sues and Gary Stus on this board ruining our favourite characters. So, we've decided to write a Parody -type story of the Hanagumi versus the Gary Stu. This was inspired by a **Lord of the Rings **parody._

_The following chapter was written by Kazuar._

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**The Journal of Ikki Yoneda**

_July 12 - 14th Year of Taisho_

Something strange is going on with the girls. Every since _he_ came, they've been distracted.Particularly Maria... I've never seen her like this before. Someone needs to talk some sense into her. Reni too. I've never those two acting so out of character!

Every time It talks to one girl, the other girls get jealous. The only one that doesn't seem to be affected is Kohran. Maybe she could talk some sense into the girls.

Honestly. If I have to hear about how great he is one more time, I'll go crazy. Always coming by for Sake, acting like he's known me his whole life! And he's diminishing my Sake supply, to boot. Always having to send Ohgami for more.

Speaking of Ohgami... the poor lad has been bogged down to stage sweeper. He's the captain of the Floral Division, not this joker! I thought Ohgami had the brains and courage to stand up for himself. But I suppose he's felt like a wimp ever since It took his Hydro De-neuralizer... Flux Capacitator... Particle Beam ... thing... and made himself look like a big shot on the battlefield. Killing off ten Wakiji with one blow...

I'm pretty sure that rubbed Maria wrong, but as soon as he worked his disgusting tricks, she was willing to forgive him, feed him grapes, and shine his shoes. Not that she did the last two, but when I saw the look on her face, I wouldn't have been surprised if she had.

That's all for tonight.

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**The Pile of Scrap Paper Known as Ohgami's Journal**

_July 13 - 14th year of Taisho_

Would someone like to remind me why I'm sweeping the floors? I thought I wouldn't have to as often as I do now! And now I'm carrying Sumire's luggage again! That stupid man!

One minute he's telekinetic, the next he's an expert marksman, and then an excellent swordsman! I watched him today when he was going about pulling his usual crap on Orihime. Iris, Maria, and Sakura all looked like they had woken up from a terrible nightmare.

Iris ran off crying, yelling something about Maria not getting mad at _him_ for abusing rei ryoku... Maria was pretty much a basket case, as she was horrified to find out they she and It almost kissed... and Sakura nearly decapitated the bloke.

Unfortunately, he repelled the sword with his bare hands. Apparently he's got skin of steel now, or something stupid like that.

And to top it off... he called me gay. Gay! Not as in happy, as we in this decade use it, but gay as in homosexual! I am NOT! I'm the Captain of the Imperial Floral Assault Squad! Not that jackass. Whatever. I'm going to talk to Kohran. She's the only one who hasn't been It-Attacked.

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**Ri Kohran's Diary**

_July 15 - 14th Year of Taisho_

I think everyone has been abducted and replaced with psycho doubles or something. What has happened to all of my friends? They're acting like jealous brothel occupants all wanting the same customer!

I had to slap Maria-han the other day. She was ready to kill me, but after I told her _why_ I did it, she was ready to kill HIM. Maria-han whipped out that gun so fast and shot... but apparently he sensed the bullet coming right at his back and froze it in midair without turning around. What is he, God?

That really got to Maria. She stormed out swearing in Russian. I've never seen her so mad before! But just you wait... he'll be at it again. Make her forget everything that happened. And poor Reni's about to scream because Hund follows HIM everywhere now.

Iris is getting vindictive. She told Kanna that It spoke rudely to her... you should have seen his misshapen nose after she got through with him.

Kanna's been generally unaffected as well, but not as much as me. He doesn't even _talk_ to me. The first day he randomly showed up off the streets, I tried to be friendly. I said hello, but he went straight to everyone else! Is my rei ryoku blocked? Am I just a blur of colour or something?

I don't care about It talking to me anymore. He's a complete ass. I've never seen someone so stupid on the battlefield! Parading around like he has all the power in the universe.

Oh wait. Apparently he does. He's also laid out new plans for the enhancement of the Koubu. AND a more "flattering" design... it looks like a woman with an "enhanced" figure.

How DARE he!


	2. Chapter 2: E

All Sakura Taisen characters, names and related paraphernalia are the property of Sega and Red Company. We're merely borrowing them for a bit.

A big thank you to all the reviewers so far.

The following chapter is by Hesquidor.

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**Reni's Log**

1925 – August - 3rd

At 7:23 am, I completed packing my bag for our Summer Holiday. Added a swimming costume to inventory at Iris's insistence. She was quite adamant that I looked "cute", though I am still unsure of how a garment's appearance affects functionality. However, sifting through an entire prism of colour with her was...a pleasant experience.

Current events though have left me concerned about the adequacy of our fighting force. True the latest edition is a powerful ally, perhaps unnaturally so, however team co-efficiency is low. I am also deeply worried about the mental stability of several members. There seems to be something fundamentally wrong with the whole scene, but my memory faculty seems to be faulty.

At 9:46 am, I left standby mode to visit the courtyard. Strangely I felt compelled to give my regards to Hund before leaving. He was there. Hund was yapping furiously, but it did not seem to matter anymore. Reality seemed to slip. Those deep, alluring amber eyes were drawing me in. No wait. Was it not brown? Blue? Why can I not remember? No doubt it will be an important plot point later on...

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**Iris's Little Book of Secrets **♥

14th Taisho - 3rd August

Yay! Yay! Iris couldn't sit still. Iris has wanted to go to an onsen since forever. Me and Kanna took soooooo many sweets for the bus ride. And they were so yummy too. Reni wouldn't approve though. She says they aren't nu-tri-ci-ous. Did I spell that right?

After a little whiles I went to look for her. Jean Paul said we should look in the garden. He's so smart ♥. Plus we have to say goodbye to Torte.

Then I saw _them_ together. They were strolling around the garden. _Arm in arm_. And then he kept saying stuff like he understood what she was going through and that she looked pretty when she smiled. She does too. But that's beside the point.

"Mou! Reni is Iris's friend!"

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**Reni's Supplementary Log**

Oh, and Iris blew up again.

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**The Pile of Scrap Paper Known as Ohgami's Journal**

August 3rd - 14th Year of Taisho

Perhaps the light of Justice does exist in the world. It walked out of the theatre with scorch marks and a broken nose. I could have danced if I wasn't laden down with everyone's luggage. Did Sumire really need to bring so much?

Did find that changes to canon _does _have its uses. The Baragumi completely ignored me. Hurrah. And they did seem so utterly entranced with It. One look at his herculean muscles (silicone?) and they immediately glomped him. Priceless. Wish I'd had my steam camera with me.

Still, no matter what adversity shall befall me, no matter how strong my opponent may be, as long as the burning spirit runs though my veins, I, Ohgami Ichiro, Captain of the Hanagumi, shall never give up. Do feel a bit peckish though. Maybe I should get a snack...

Well, goodnight diary.


	3. Chapter 3: A

_Thank you Ice Spectre for the clarification on the author of that brilliant story. You rock my wooorld!_

_I don't own these characters, yo! Though if Maria were mine, I'd be kicking everyone's ass for mooching on my woman. But... she's not mine, so don't eat me for thievery. Because I don't claim her. I would, but... I can't. Yes, anyway!_

_This chapter was written by Kazuar, who seriously needs some sleep._

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**Kanna's Big Ass Notebook**

_August 4th - Taisho 14_

Alright, I'm starting to get annoyed! Who can charge into a perfect team and screw everything up just by his pretty boy looks and charm? Wooing every girl in the Hanagumi and showing off at the beach! What's his deal?

Anyway, so we're all hanging out down by the shore, and up walks Mister Big Shot carrying a melon and a bat. He chucks the melon down, tosses the bat at Iris (who drops it on her foot and starts crying), then flings his hand towards the melon and yells, "Have at it!"

So Iris (over the crying and acting like it never happened) hangs all over his leg and begs for him to let her wack the thing first. He blindfolds her, spins her, and she goes for it. Maria ends up with a bruised shin, Kohran's glasses get cracked, and Cactus Woman falls into a smelly ol' tide pool in attempt to escape Melon Killer Iris.

I'm hopping mad by the time it's all over, as is nearly everyone else, and realize that Maria and Cactus Woman have left. Kohran is sitting on a rock wringing her hands and looking so mad she could ignite something with a glare, and Iris and Sakura are chowing down on melon. He's now over there telling Orihime she should model for a clothing company he's apparently inheriting. Don't see Reni at all. Maybe she wised up and ran away.

That's all for right now, he's coming this way flexing his muscles at me. Blah!

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**Maria Tachibana's Diary**

_August 4th, 1927_

I'm terribly concerned about the Hanagumi. The cohesiveness of our unit has been broken into tiny pieces since that _man_ showed up. Their performance on the battlefield is poor. The Captain seems to have been demoted for It to step into the position. Instead of fighting, the girls are all trying to impress him. I admit I have slipped a time or two. His velvety voice commanding me over the intercom...

What am I saying! Forget that, it's irrelevant. If that man does not go, I will personally put a bullet through his heart. I'm convinced he is not human! There is no way one person could be so strong and skilled! Attempting to better _my _marksmanship by showing me his 'pointers'.

There is no more I wish to write on this subject; my blood is boiling. As of right now, I'm sitting back and waiting for the Captain to snap out of it.

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**Sakura's Dairy**

_August 4th, 14th year of Taisho_

Bakaaaa! How could he leave me and go after Sumire-san like that! Her little (key word here) flattering bathing suit won his attention right off the bat! Argh I'm so mad I could scream! He and I were having the best time... grrrrrrrr!

Oh dear... did I write all of that? It's him... he's getting to me! Feeding on our minds... Waaah! What is he? He's so special and muscular and heroic! There's nothing he can't do! Wait, I take that back - he hasn't died yet. Maria-san has shot at him, Kanna-san almost broke his face, and I think Kohran might have poisoned his drink!

We're falling apart! He's turning us against each other! The jealousy I feel when he's around is so... overwhelming! We're all so... out of CANON!


End file.
